


Shout

by Loki_ate_my_pudding



Series: Stefan is cute (Colin agrees) Colin is cute (Colin disagrees) [4]
Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Happy Ending, poor Stefan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-10-30 10:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17826992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_ate_my_pudding/pseuds/Loki_ate_my_pudding
Summary: Even with medicine, everyone has their off days. Stefan just so happens to have them on the worst days possible.-Or, the deadline of Colin and Stefan’s shared game is upon them, and pre-presentation, Stefan has an anxiety attack





	Shout

**Author's Note:**

> Anxiety attacks, seem to be my best friends now a days.  
> I rewatched Bandersnatch and my heart broke for Stefan when he had the breakdown in his kitchen. I wanted to write that with colin in a way.

_Stefan stumbled down the stairs, gasping for air as his hands shook horribly by his side. He gripped at the railing, his feet getting carried away and tangling together almost every step down he went._

_His eyes scanned the room, empty and clear of any Peter Butler that could prevent him from getting the bottle of water he needed. He felt like that would be the only thing to calm him, even though his chest burned and felt like it was on the verge of collapse._

_He entered the kitchen, racing to the fridge and pulling out a water. His hands shook as he turned the cap to open it, desperately gulping down the drink. He leaned on the counter, the open bottle in one shaking hand as he rested his forehead on the edge of the counter too, breathing heavy and hard._

_Maybe it was his heartbeat in his ears, or his wheezing breaths and sobs that drowned out the sound of footsteps, but when Peter’shand came down on his shoulder in what was meant to be calming, he’d never flinched away so hard. He let go of the water, not caring that it was leaking onto the counter._

_Stefan watched in horror almost as Peter watched him with wide eyes behind his glasses. “Stefan! What the bloody hell is wrong with you!”_

_He felt his breathing become more rapid, sweat beading on his face. “You’ve gone and spilt bloody water all over, now! What’s got you so heavy breathin’?”_

_He let out a sob, and Peter only looked angrier. “Stefan, answer me! What’s wrong with you!”_

Stefan woke up, sweating and shaking from his dream, which was just more like a memory. He instantly knew in that moment that the day would be bad. 

He felt the anxiety of presenting his and Colin’s game to Thakur, even though it would probably be the best game on the market this Christmas season.

Of course it would be, not because he was a conceded person, but because Colin was an amazing coder and creator, and if the reviews of Bandersnatch said anything, he wasn’t too bad himself. They’d spent months working together on it, ideas they’d kept in their minds for future games flooding out and into this one. It was great, to Stefan and Colin, who’d played the demo on their couch at three am the day before they were meant to deliver it to Thakur. 

There was no reason for him to be so worried when Colin was his partner in making the game. There was no reason to have the panic rising in his stomach this way. But it did, and his hands shook as Colin packed up the game in a bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Ready to go, Stef?” Colin asked, cigarette hanging from his lips. 

Stefan nodded wordlessly, slipping on his shoes while Colin smiled at him with a hint of sympathy. “I know you’re nervous, Stefan. It’s okay, we’re just going to show Thakur the demo and he’s gonna take it. He always does.” Colin kissed the top of Stefan’s head, resting his chin there for a few moments with his arm around the younger man’s shoulders. 

“I know.” Stefan replied, nuzzling his face against Colin’s neck. “Still.” 

He broke away after a moment to slip on his coat, and the two were off, silence settled between the two of them. Stefan wanted nothing more than to go back home and stay in bed, under their shared weighted blanket, cuddled next to Colin until the nauseating anxiety went away. 

And they definitely could’ve just done that, stayed home on the couch and Stefan could’ve had his off-day with Colin and the snacks he derived immense comfort from. He was confident that was the better choice, but there was no real way to convince Colin. He knew the game needed to be turned in, and he definitely didn’t want to expose himself to Colin, even though he knew about his anxiety. 

He hated using it as an excuse to not do something, but when he felt like he was going to actually die, he didn’t want to go anywhere. 

Instead, he found himself slouching behind Colin, who stood tall infront of him as they entered Tuckersoft just like every other day. “Stef, come on, love.” Colin coaxed, hand reaching out for Stefan’s. He took it, hoping he couldn’t tell how horribly anxious he was. 

Thakur was waiting for them at the door, a look on his face with his eyebrows raised and it made the anxiety that had been building come to a head. Stefan felt himself shaking first, and the feeling of bile rise in his throat, which made his chest heave. He gripped Colin’s hand so tight he could’ve snapped it off. 

“C-Colin no, I can’t-“ he stuttered, his throat closing in. He felt himself start to sweat, shaking his head. He pulled his hand away and shuffled towards the restroooms down the hall, a hand over his mouth as he felt himself close to throwing up the breakfast he didn’t eat. 

“Thakur, I’m sorry. Give us just a few minutes, yeah?” Colin looked at the man who looked unamused. He followed after Stefan, who was hidden in the handicapped stall. 

Colin didn’t speak for a moment, putting the bag that contained their game down and watching as Stefan put his elbows against the wall, pressing his head against his hands. Colin came up to him, putting careful hands on his shoulders and get a bit closer to him.

He was cautious enough to know that Stefan’s panic attacks changed, that sometimes he wanted nothing but to be held and coddled, and other times he hated touch and watched nothing to do with it. He’d told Colin plenty of times that when he had panic attacks as a teen, Peter used to never really know what to do and just shouted at him until he either stopped somehow or left the area. 

Stefan let out a choked sound, heaving out his breaths. “C-can’t-“ he gasped, “I can’t!” 

Colin pulled Stefan away from the wall, and cringed slightly as he realized he was about to sit on the floor of a bathroom, but he quickly did, pulling Stefan onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around the panicked boy, his chest heaving against Colin’s, eyes squeezed shut. 

“Stef, shh, you’re okay. It’s okay, lovely, calm down.” He whispered, rocking the smaller man slightly. He felt Stefan shake in his arms, sobs escaping his lips, followed by the repetition of “I can’t do it, I can’t!” like it would make everything around him disappear. 

Part of Colin wondered if it did, if the anxious man used words as his only way to feel away from the threat. He frowned deeply. “Stef, shh.” 

He pressed his lips to Stefan’s forehead, and whispered as many comforting words as he could think of, rocking him gently to calm him down as best as he could. 

It took a while, but eventually, Stefan’s panic attack turned to just little cries, probably out of exhaustion now. “Stef, Love?” Colin pulled back a little, looking down at his face. He looked up, eyes watery and sad. “You calmer now, hunny?” 

Stefan nodded, but in the back of his mind, he knew he still couldn’t do the stupid demo for Thakur. He knew it’d spike up again. Hell, it’d probably happen again if he stubbed his toe. It was just an off day. “‘M sorry.” He mumbled, voice sounding broken. It hurt Colin’s heart. 

“It’s okay, Stefan. No one’s mad with you.” Colin assured, rubbing his back gently. Stefan shrugged. 

“Just an off day, Col, I feel so off.” He sniffled, pressing himself back against Colin’s chest and clinging to his shirt. “I just wanna be okay.” His voice was muffled against the fabric. “I just wanna be normal.” 

“Baby, it’s okay. It’s okay that you’re having an off day, you know what? How about, we break the rules a little. We can drop off the game, tell Thakur playing instructions, then just go straight home.” Colin offered. “I’ll brew you some tea and we’ll just cuddle and watch some movies, yeah?” 

Stefan stayed pressed against Colin, the only comfort being from his touch. He felt like a child having a tantrum, but he couldn’t help that the only thing making him feel safe and semi-calm was being pressed against his boyfriend. He shook his head no. 

“We gotta demo. Thakur already doesn’t like us much.” Stefan sniffled. “Can’t disappoint.” 

“We wouldn’t be disappointing, hunny, just turning in a little unconventionally.” Colin said softly. Stefan then nodded, hesitantly pulling away. 

Colin got up first, holdig his hands outto help Stefan off the floor. The smaller man wiped his eyes and nose with the back of his sleeve, sniffling one more time before he let Colin lead him out of the restroom. 

Thakur stood where they’d left him, looking more impatient than ever. 

“Finally. I was waiting-“

”Please, today, just stop talking, sir.” Colin said quickly. He handed the bag to Thakur, patting his shoulder. “You know the basics of a game, yeah? Cool. We’ll pick up our system and the bag on Monday, but we really can’t stay to demo today. The games done though.” 

Mohan Thakur had no words against what Colin had just said. And that was simply it. 

Colin rested his arm around Stefan’s shoulders as they left, neither really caring about the looks people around them were giving them. 

Their home was inviting, and Stefan curled up on the couch while he waited for Colin to come in with the tea and foodhed promised on the walk home to start watching a movie together. The remnants of his off day left him with a headache from the sobbing, his eyes slightly burning still. 

He smiled weakly when Colin came back in, taking his tea with a hum and sipping it carefully. Stefan loved relaxing with Colin more than anything. 

And he definitely felt better as they both rested for the rest of the day, cuddled close together while they ate snacks and watched movies. Nothing beat that in Stefan’s eyes. 

Stefan was just happy with Colin, and his comforting ways that he needed and finally received. 

He’d never let go. 


End file.
